Waking up!
by anushca
Summary: Ten years after her change, Bella, finally try to gave a meaning to her existence. She is married, but her husband is not the one who better knows her. This will eventually be a B&J story.
1. Chapter 1

_It's my first story and I'm not an english speaker, so, please, correct my mistakes. _

_This is from Bella POV and it will eventually be a Bella & Jasper story, but it will go slowly...this began ten years after her change and she is Edward's wife. It is rated for Adult contents. Thanks!_

Chapter 1.

What do you do when you realise you have forever, but you still didn't found yourself or your place in this world?

I tried. I tried for the last ten years of my marriage, for my first decade as a vampire. Before this, I tried to find something worth living when I was human. I failed. And I don't know how much more I can take.

In my human life I thought my purpose and my salvation was Edward Cullen and his family. I was moving myself through an empty life, no goal, no future, no emotions; I thought I could not have lasted much longer.

I still have memories and I thanks God than neither then and neither now my husband's mindreading gift could not touch my mind. It's all I had and all I have. For some time now, those memories came back more often. I saw myself standing for hours on top of the staircase in my mother Renée house, back in Phoenix, looking down and debating what it will feel like let myself fall. Or standing in my mother car, on the cliff near the beach and wondering at the sea above, seeing me drive straight to the water...But, anyway I had to pull back because of Renée. I imagined how she will feel finding me in her house or finding her car crashed...I knew she will be able to move on, she did after she left my father all those years back, but I could not, me the practical Bella, bring myself do this while still living with her. I imagined will be easier if I put some distance between us and then Phil happened and I knew it was the time. I could not continue drag myself out anymore, each day it was more difficult to just wake up, go to school, house keeping...there was nothing worth living for. Well, perhaps I did enjoyed then, like now, reading, but then life it was not supposed to be just that, you had to put up with the whole charade and do like the others do and I could not lock myself in someplace that I had not, depending on my mother's money, home, food...

The irony that now I did not have even those possibilities of escape did escape. I mean I could just walk myself into the fire. But, God, living with such a large family did not facilitate things. There is always somebody close by. Then Alice could see the future, not that she really see much of my future anyway, since I almost always shield myself out from any "gifted" and "well intentioned" vampire trying to read my mind, my feelings, my future and so on. But it's difficult to find sufficient time by myself and then build a fire strong enough to exterminate a vampire. I mean, at the time we fought against Victoria and the newborns, right after my change, I saw that it take at least half an hour and a really high temperature to do the job. And then all the preparation: buying the fuel and chopping the woods, no way I could not raise suspicion on my crowded family.

Perhaps...Jasper, I think if he was to find out, he may let me be...But then again, sometimes I feel in him...the same despair I feel, its intensity so much like mine, that I first thought it was I. He is usually cautious and protects his privacy for the others, but then Edward still read his thoughts. He blocks him out sometimes or asks for privacy from time to time and even leaves the family for some period and nobody, non even Alice, knows where or what he does on those moments.

He is the only one, except me who needs time alone. The others, I guess, are just used to go on like this. It drives me crazy. Sure Emmet and Rosalie or Carlisle and Esme go away for some time, but it is more for sexual intimacy. Even if Edward and I went away for a couple times after my first year like newborn passed, this did not made me feel less crowded.

No, perhaps Jasper does not see the suicidal as an option, I mean, if he did it, I am sure he will have done it till now. ..He pretty much told me he toughed on it and, that, if Alice have not found him when she did, who knows what the outcome would have been? I guess our lives have much more in common than we thought some twelve years ago, but then we passed my human live practically without contact...but things had changed since then...

I feel something warm on my arm and I tried to focus my eyes. Jasper sat before me, on the ground. I did not hear him.

- Time to go home. The others are on their way back already.

Ah, I have to go back. I usually prefer to hunt by myself now, separated from the family group. They think is because I feel shame and after the necessary control for my first year, they let me be. Jasper had always put some distance from them and with time, we kind of stay closed enough but not too much, just the necessary distance needed for privacy or help just in case.

The reality is that both of us just use the excuse of hunting to have some time alone. At first, Edward was a bit anxious, tense about it, but then he understood. He always carried with him the guilt of making me a monster, like he is used to think about our condition. But it has nothing to do with that, I accepted what I am, but I guess I could never change his mind and nothing will ever do. At first I lost track of time and forgot to join them back to the house. But then Jasper began to come after me. He never asked me about it. And I know that sometimes he caught some of my feelings, because from time to time I let my shield down. When I lose myself in my mind, I prefer to let my control down, because how then I am supposed to be myself if I have to protect my mind from Edward, my feelings from Jasper, my future decisions from Alice, my whole life from Aro, Jane, my sexual instincts from Tanya and the rest...I really don't understand how my family stands to be exposed like that. There is no "gift" only curse in such an existence.

- Isabella. He whispered.

- Yes, I know. And I raise myself from the grass to join him on the way to the house, to our family.

- Isabella, I need to ask you again, for tomorrow. I want to go to town for the evening and perhaps all the night.

He looked straight at me. He is a bit uncomfortable for asking, but he knows better than apologize for needing my "gift" and he knows I understand his need. It's just that we agreed not using on each other our faculties. He really can't feel me or influence my feelings if I choose not, which is almost always the case, but sometime I slip with him, so he pretend to ignore what he feesl then. And he also is the only one who knows I have another capability, something similar to his empathy, only that I cannot influence the other feelings like him, but I can feel their emotions, only I have not his accuracy and the sensations are a little bit blurry sometimes. But I prefer not to use this "gift". I prefer not to spy on them, so almost all the time I shield myself from this.

I discovered this almost immediately after the change, but for some reason I choose not to reveal it. It made me feel guilty. Jasper figured all by himself, because at first I did know how to protect myself from the feelings floating around, invading my senses and he read my reactions. That's why I needed so much time alone at first. Edward almost depressed himself thinking I went alone to sulk about my change into a monster and his feelings of guilt drove me crazy. Jasper found me and without asking me about why the need of concealment, he taught me to block the others feelings. With time, after managing to control my protection shield, I applied it to block all empathy. Jasper only may block the others for short periods, maximum three hours and when he asks me so, from time to time, I extend my protection to him or I shield him completely, so no more mind reading or future telling. He, like I, needs his time alone. I never question him, like he never questions me.

We are now in hearing distance from the house. But my eyes confirmed him that from now on he is free. He shook his head and this time his laugh reaches his eyes. It is impossible not join him. He always looks younger and almost happy when I do this for him. His eyes came to life practically and they sparkle.

Some time ago I tried to maintain his protection all the time, but the others got hysterical. Edward and Alice claimed the usual "normality", he saying I should not use myself on the others, which is ironical seeing that he spy on everybody's minds and she because she said it was enough she could not control my future, with the two of us out of her reach it was too risky for the safety of the family. Or so they claimed. They accepted their blindness in front of me, because they supposed it was something I had since my human life and I never let know that the effort to suspend my shield was not an effort at all, only my choice! That was one of the few times I choose to let Jasper convey to me his emotions and the pain crashed me to the floor. He was trying to control his feelings and not let them spread to the entire world and he could not move. I could not help. I felt impotent. That was the only time I wanted to have his ability to take the pain away, even if it was only for a short time.

The only thing I could think will help was me sharing his feelings. I maintained the shield on him, so that no one could intrude on us and that he could let it all out without worrying on touching them and I connected myself to him. I felt his pain, the betrayal, the bitterness, the loneliness and the emptiness. But what hurt me more was his resignation. He felt betrayed by a family who could not let him choose a path separated from them and he resigned at his destiny. His feelings made me understand better my own. We were part of this family, living together limited us and we had to accept it. Then I realised what he already knew. What I thought it was my escape from the emptiness of my human life was only another illusion. The rules, the family, THE OTHERS still governed over me. I gain nothing, but then I had nothing. Only that now I had an eternity of nothing.

Our connection brought then something else that I did not knew it was somewhere in me and I did not felt it in him before. It was something warm, unexpected, but I could not name the emotion. It surprised Jasper too. With each second it will grow till almost calmed us. And it felt good. I never felt that good in my life. It was new for both of us. We could not find an explanation afterwards and we never connected like that again.

Afterwards other things happened and it made me renounce at the task to identify that sensation. And at that time we did not have much choice in pursuing that path. The family went mad at him, blaming him for my black out. Edward, like always, took the trouble to explain what happened. He said that I using my power to shield completely other person for so long could only have a painful result for me. That is was not "natural" to extend it to others. That I had to bear it for myself and not sharing, just like he and Alice always did. They could not share their gifts, so, of course, I must not try to do something that did not work like that. He said that even Jasper powers were time limited, so I must quit trying to do that.

He was wrong, but Jasper and I never contradict him, them. They felt better this way, this is what life with the Culllen meant and Jasper and I, the last ones to join, outsiders that we were, had to adapt to them, there was no question that they could change for us. Of course, Carlisle could have said something, but he accepted Edward and Alice feelings because, after all, they were the gifted one and he could never impose on them limitations or deprive them of their most precious gift. Curiously he never thought the same consideration could apply to Jasper and I, perhaps because we come later or perhaps because like Edward said my gift was not really something to use always, it only was beneficial if the family was attacked or threatened by outsiders, then I had to protect them all, but inside the family it had no use at all and it only could hurt me, like Jasper proved and by Alice impossibility to view our future or Edward read his mind we only opened the path of danger for the safety of our family.

Thanks God, he never could read my mind and so they had to tolerate my so called inborn gift.

By now we reached the house and Jasper face became expressionless and his eyes avoid of life. I lift the shield till tomorrow evening and for a moment I let my frustration and sorrow out for him to feel. He brushed briefly my hand with his, but kept his eyes avert.

We choose not to talk more than necessarily while in family. Normally we stayed closed by each other, so that even if we didn't speak or look at each other, the simple presence could let the other know he was not alone. We usually didn't touch. Perhaps, when alone, but only if necessarily, like earlier when he "waked" me up to came home. Or now to let me know he felt my assurances.

After that incident, the spirits were not agreeable to our new friendship. They questioned why I choose to shield him and Edward reproached me in private and remembered me that Jasper almost killed me while human and that we never spoke until my change. I tried to tell him how I felt about Jasper, but let me tell you, if Edward Cullen don't want to be convinced, he'll never be. He reassured himself that I, Bella who always put the others interests above mine, only wanted to do something for Jasper by way of thanking him for the help the year before, my newborn time or for the training he was doing with me. But he added that like always I overdid and risked my health. The last part I preferred to not even hear, I mean, I am practically indestructible, I am a vampire, for God sake!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Oh, they wanted us to be friends, it was not that, it was the damn Cullen rules! For example, even if I only slipped a few times from our diet during my first year, I was still considered weak, like Jasper, so they never let us alone with a human. They all forgive Jasper for the incident, on my seventeen anniversary party, but they never forgot it and it was in their eyes whenever he was near humans and sometimes when he and I were together. I knew how much this affected Jasper. He never forgave himself, no matter how much I tried and their distrust in him (and in me) only added to his self hatred. And I also know for sure that had really lost all control, he could have reached me not only react to my blood.

Yes, we slipped, but we were not the only one and, for God sake, we are vampire, it is in our nature, but we both choose not to drink human blood, this is what should matter. And then Jasper slipped twice with me! They never forgive him for this!

I did it before, I slipped in my first month, I could not control myself, I was with Emmet, but I was faster than him and when he caught up with me it was too late. I completely lost control of myself; I did not even realised I was drinking till the time I finished.

And by that time I could not block their emotions, so my guilt and sorrow was multiplied. From then on, Jasper began to shield me from the rest of the family and asked to be more involved in my training for the new life: dominating the thirst, controlling my force, training for battle and in doing so, he choose places far away from humans and the family. There, he began to explain me how he controlled his ability, which it was supposed to help with my protection shield and my empathy capacity.

I let down my protection with him so that in my hunt he could help me by being capable to read my feelings. And he let me read him too. And I knew then that he did not condemn me for my slip. Neither the others, but I felt their disappointment. But he...he let me know something else. We did not say the words. But it explains what followed. On some level he considered that I needed to try the human blood. No, he did not mean on purpose, but what was more natural than the thirst? I was a newborn and I was not the same person from before.

I could not control all that was happening to me. The pressure my family and my husband Edward put on me.

Jasper knew I used all my capacity in protecting my mind from Edward, my decisions from Alice and my feelings from him, while the others feelings invaded me. I had to fight not only my thirst but that of all of them; protect me from my husband feelings of guilt and uncertainty about condemning me to be a monster and above all this accepting my death and looking for a future that I still did not knew. I was disappointed after my change. He felt it. I stupidly, thought that I may find happiness in this life, that my life will began anew and all will be good in this life, unlike what I left behind, but every day I found the same old me, the same emptiness and like in my human life, my love for Edward was not enough to heal me and his love for me only made feel me guilty.

Like a human I had thought my incapacity of finding my life worth Iiving for or my incapacity to fall in love was because I was limitated by being human but now I found out that the limitation was still in me. It was me!

Jasper read all this in me. He confessed that he felt the same from me when I was human, but that is true that he did not always could read me well, like that time in Phoenix when I escaped from the airport. We deduced that if I was concentrated enough in my human times, I blocked him out. And Alice never saw more than my change and a few images of me change, but nothing more.

He did not actually slip with me. I went for the humans and he came with me. He wanted to share the blame with me afterwards and reduced the accusation of me, mostly because all of them accused him. He shared my guilt. He could not prevent me reaching those humans and he drank with me, because by the time he caught me, I killed them. He sacrificed for me. And he let me those two mistakes. The next time he did not let me go. But I also know that those two people were too injured and will have died anyway and he knew that before me.

I am not Edward and I am not looking for my soul and my humanity. I am what I am. Those two mistakes Jasper allowed me just made me accept this. That I am a vampire and the blood call to us and that I choose to drink from animals. It is my conscientious choice to not pursue human blood, but knowing that I had that option and that I choose not to give in, it was made the difference.

***

It is Monday and already eight in the morning. We all went to hunt the past night. Emmet, Rosalie, Alice and Edward in preparation for their classes. This time, the University: Geology. Edward choice, don't ask me, he wanted something new. Jasper and I preferred to skip playing school again. A year and half after my change when the red finally left my eyes, we all six went to the University. My choice was English Literature and the all joined me. After those four years we did another four years of American History, again my choice, privilege of the younger and they again followed me. And this year we are in a new place and a new school, but I could not pretend more, so I preferred to stay behind. Carlisle is again at the town hospital and this time Esme is joining him like a nurse.

Edward is in our room changing clothes. I kissed him lightly on the mouth the way he like and Iwent to shower.

- Bella, are you sure you will be alright all by yourself? If you change your mind, I'm sure we could manage for you to...

- Edward, I will not change my mind! I have even a list with all the books I want to read and all the web pages I want to consult.

- I still think that you could do all that, even if you went to school.

By now, I joined him in the room. I will let the shower for later.

- I don't want another degree. What's the purpose? It's not like I could use them! I prefer to study by myself; I don't need the system validation to certify my knowledge.

- But it's a distraction, to avoid boring yourself.

He laughed and came to hug me. He knows I will not change my mind, but considers that with the time he will make me see his way.

-Bella, you could be with me! He smiles at me. When his smiles did stopped dazzling me? I think it was before my change. I let my head on his chest and I feel him sniffing at me.

- I will miss you! I want to take your smell with me, love...

Emmet is shouting from downstairs.

- I'm coming! I love you, Bella. He said before going down.

- I love you too, I answered by the time I heard the others saying good bye to me and Jasper.

They finally left and I may have my shower. I extend my protection to Jasper and he shouts his thanks from the basement. He surely needs freedom to plan his time tomorrow and I guess I have some planning to do too.

I finished my shower quickly and the silence in the house told me this is a perfect time for some new books I bought some time ago and I did not unpacked waiting for time alone. I wisely placed them in Jasper's study. Behind the library, he has a hole in the wall; it may seem exaggerated secrecy, but some things are better kept to oneself and specially those book. There is too much curiosity in this house. I will burn them after my reading. They'll stay in my perfect memory for ever. And Carlisle and Edward could take a peek in Jasper's library looking for distraction; it's a rare occurrence, because they respect his "territory", but still...

I knock at his open door and I saw him laughing:

- Come in, Isabella. You know you don't have to knock, don't you?

- Well, Sir, I don't want to intrude. I smiled at him.

-Never. He mouthed.

- I want to retrieve my books.

I was already moving the library and I told him I have plans for tonight.

- Ah, I guess it have nothing to do with the party we all are supposed to assist to?

- Perhaps.

I have my books now and in my head I began planning.

- No, actually I just thought about it. I forgot about the party. Anyway I don't want to. Why, Alice always finds an excuse for a party and I don't want to have to entertain all these people from the hospital. What do you think we have in common?

- They will not let you stay out.

- Oh, I think they'll do. First of all, Alice own me, I did not miss a party or a shopping trip in this past year. And secondly, I'm pretty new at managing my thirst and all this people talking about blood and so on, all together in my house...hm, too much temptation. The derision in my voice was hard to conceal, but then with him I did't need to conceal it.

- If you manage to pass over with this, I'll will second you. I'll better change my plans for tonight too.

- You're free to do so. I'll tell them at the last moment that I am not comfortable with the humans.

- It did not cross my mind to avoid the party, but now that you say so...and it will be much simple to explain you shielding me if they notice it. For God sake, we are not children to not be able to do what we want to and definitely I don't want to be at this party.

We smile. We know they'll don't like it, but, after all, what they could? They'll have to stay, that's the proper thing to do: Alice because she organised it, Edward to support the family, Carlisle and Esme because is about their colleagues and Emmet and Rosalie will not interfere with us. It's perfect.

- I have plans to do. See you at the party, Jasper!

- Enjoy your books!


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you so much for reading this! I am a little unsure about the lenght of the chapters, but here it go..._

Chapter 3

Oh, they wanted us to be friends, it was not that, it was the damn Cullen rules! For example, even if I only slipped a few times from our diet during my first year, I was still considered weak, like Jasper, so they never let us alone with a human. They all forgive Jasper for the incident, on my seventeen anniversary party, but they never forgot it and it was in their eyes whenever he was near humans and sometimes when he and I were together. I knew how much this affected Jasper. He never forgave himself, no matter how much I tried and their distrust in him (and in me) only added to his self hatred. And I also know for sure that had really lost all control, he could have reached me not, I'm sure he didn't want to kill me, it was my damn blood.

Yes, we slipped, but we were not the only one and, for God sake, we are vampire, it is in our nature, but we both choose not to drink human blood, this is what should matter. And then Jasper slipped twice with me! They never forgive him for this!

I did it before, I slipped in my first month, I could not control myself, I was with Emmet, but I was faster than him and when he caught up with me it was too late. I completely lost control of myself; I did not even realised I was drinking till the time I finished.

And by that time I could not block their emotions, so my guilt and sorrow was multiplied. From then on, Jasper began to shield me from the rest of the family and asked to be more involved in my training for the new life: dominating the thirst, controlling my force, training for battle and in doing so, he choose places far away from humans and the family. There, he began to explain me how he controlled his ability, which it was supposed to help with my protection shield and my empathy capacity.

I began to let down my protection with him so that in my hunt he could help me by being capable to read my feelings. And he let me read him too. And I knew then that he did not condemn me for my slip and he wasn't even disappointed in me, like the others. But he...he let me know something else. We did not talk. But it explains what followed. On some level he also considered that I needed to try the human blood. No, he did not mean on purpose, but what was more natural than the thirst? I was a newborn and I was not the same person from before.

I could not control all that was happening to me, the human part of me was gone, all my instincts, my senses had nothing to do with an human being and I could not act like one: I could not walk or speak slow enough, I could control my force and then the pressure my family and my husband Edward put on me.

Jasper knew I used all my capacity in protecting my mind from Edward, my decisions from Alice and my feelings from him, while the others feelings invaded me. I had to fight not only my thirst but that of all of them; protect me from my husband feelings of guilt and uncertainty about condemning me to be a monster and above all this accepting my death and looking for a future that I still did not knew. And then I felt that all of them avoided talking about my change. Why? I had questions but I was too disappointed after my change to pursuit it. Jasper felt it. I stupidly, thought that I may find happiness in this life, that my life will began anew and all will be good. Unlike the life I left behind. But every day I found the same old me, the same emptiness and like in my human life, my love for Edward was not enough to heal me and his love for me only made feel me guilty.

I choose to change because I had thought my incapacity of finding my life worth Iiving for or my incapacity to fall in love was because I was limitated by being human but now I found out that the limitation was still in me. It was me!

Jasper read all this in me, but he knew it from before, even if he did not always could read me well, like that time in Phoenix when I escaped from the airport. And Alice never saw more than my change and a few images of me change, but nothing more. Even before my mind protected me more that I knew.

He did not actually slip with me. I went for the humans and he came with me. He wanted to share the blame with me afterwards and reduced the accusation of me, mostly because all of them accused him. He shared my guilt. He did not prevent me reaching those humans and he drank with me, because by the time he caught me, I killed them. He sacrificed for me. And he let me those two mistakes. The next time he did not let me go. But I also now know that those two people were too injured and will have died anyway and he knew that before me.

I am not Edward and I am not looking for my soul and my humanity. I am what I am. Those two mistakes Jasper allowed me just made me accept this. That I am a vampire and the blood call to us and that I choose to drink from animals. It is my conscientious choice to not pursue human blood, but knowing that I had that choice and that I choose not to give in, it was made all the difference.

***

It is Monday and already eight in the morning. We all went to hunt the past night. Emmet, Rosalie, Alice and Edward in preparation for their classes. This time, the University: Geology. Edward choice, don't ask me, he wanted something new. Jasper and I preferred to skip playing school again. A year and half after my change when the red finally left my eyes and I was coordinated enough to resemble a human, we all six went to the University. My choice was English Literature and the all joined me. After those four years we did another four years of American History, again my choice, privilege of the younger and they again followed me. And this year we are in a new place and a new school, but I could not pretend more, so I preferred to stay behind. Carlisle is again at the town hospital and this time Esme is joining him like a nurse.

Edward is in our room changing clothes. I kissed him lightly on the mouth the way he like and went to shower.

- Bella, are you sure you will be alright all by yourself? If you change your mind, I'm sure we could manage for you to...

- Edward, I will not change my mind! I have even a list with all the books I want to read and all the web pages I want to consult.

- I still think that you could do all that, even if you went to school.

By now, I joined him in the room. I will shower later.

- I don't want another degree. What's the purpose? It's not like I could use them! I prefer to study by myself; I don't need the system validation to certify my knowledge.

- But it's a distraction, to avoid boring yourself.

He laughed and came to hug me. He knows I will not change my mind, but considers that with the time he will make me see his way.

-Bella, you could be with me! He smiles at me. When his smiles stopped dazzling me? I think it was before my change. I let my head on his chest and I felt his nose in my hair.

- I will miss you! I want to take your smell with me, love...

Emmet is shouting from downstairs.

- I'm coming! I love you, Bella. He said before going down.

- I love you too, I answered by the time I heard the others saying good bye to me and Jasper.

They finally left and I may have my shower. I extended my protection to Jasper and he shouts me his thanks from the basement. He surely needs freedom to plan his time tomorrow and I guess I have some planning to do too.

I finished my shower quickly and the silence in the house told me this is a perfect time for some new books I bought some time ago and left unpacked waiting for time alone. I wisely placed them in Jasper's study. Behind the library, he has a hole in the wall; it may seem exaggerated secrecy, but some things are better kept to oneself and specially those book. There is too much curiosity in this house. I will burn them after my reading. They'll stay in my perfect memory for ever. And Carlisle or Edward could take a peek in Jasper's library looking for distraction; it's a rare occurrence, because they respect his "territory", but still...

I knock at his open door and I saw him laughing:

- Come in, Isabella. You know you don't have to knock, don't you?

- Well, Sir, I don't want to intrude. I smiled at him.

-Never. He mouthed.

- I want to retrieve my books.

I was already moving the library and talking to him about my plans for tonight.

- Ah, I guess it have nothing to do with the party we all are supposed to assist, isn't?

- Perhaps.

I gathered my books and my mind disconnected.

- No, actually I just thought about it. I almost forgot about the party. Why, Alice always finds an excuse for a party and I don't want to have to entertain all these people from the hospital. What do you think we have in common?

- They will not let you stay out.

- Oh, I think they'll do. First of all, Alice own me, I did not miss a party or a shopping trip in this past year. And secondly, I'm pretty new at managing my thirst and all those people talking about blood and so on, all together in my house...hm, too much temptation. The derision in my voice was hard to conceal, but then this was Jasper. I doubt there was much of me he didn't know.

- If you manage to pass over with this, I will second you. I'll better change my plans for tonight too.

- You're free to do so. I'll tell them at the last moment that I am not comfortable with the humans.

- It did not cross my mind to avoid the party, but now that you say so...and it will be much simple to explain you shielding me if they notice it. For God sake, we are not children to not be able to do what we want to and definitely I don't want to be at this party.

We smile. We know they'll don't like it, but, after all, what they could do? They'll have to stay, that's the proper thing to do: Alice because she organised it, Edward to support the family, Carlisle and Esme because is about their colleagues and Emmet and Rosalie will not interfere with us. It's perfect.

- I have plans to do. See you at the party, Jasper!

- Enjoy your books!

- You too.

I left the study and I know he is disconcerted behind. I usually read in his study, which is also his personal library. I have read all his books, several times by now, and I enjoy spending time in here. It's peaceful. Usually the rest of the family does not intrude upon his time or his study. It had been his particular request and he spends most of his time in there. He let me share it and normally I do. We use to read in silence. The door is usually open when both of us are in closed when he is alone.

But I could not read these books with him in there! I got to my room and unpacked them. It worked! The hour I spend reading this three books help me disconnect and I was startled when he appeared in my doorway. I knew the old Bella will be all covered in blush by now. I know he could smell me and from the corner of my eyes I saw his pupils dilated. And he stuttered and he does not stutter:

- Hm... I, Isabella ...I was going to ...er, to build a fire in the garden and clean some of Esme garden.

I'm sure if I was not a vampire I could not have heard or understood him. He said the last part so soft and rapid.

- Oh...I'll help you. I somehow managed to actually say the words. He does not need his ability to feel my embarrassment.

I remembered to erase the history of my entries in the computer, before joining him outside. I know no one will look to my computer, but it was an old habit since my human days.

He was already in the garden pulling at the weed. We did this from time to time to surprise Esme. She loved her garden. I left my book package on the grass and I saw he also had one not too far away from where I stood. We did at human speed.

- I apologize for...

- Jasper...

I thought I was embarrassed, but then, the laugh escaped my throat. We finished the cleaning laughing. I finally could bring myself to look him in the eyes and, yes, there it was, the imperceptible wrinkles I liked to see when he was laughing.

- You are far too distracted, Isabella. It's the second time you didn't heard me in the past twelve hours, you have to correct that...anyway, you didn't had to blush...

- I did not blush, Jasper!

I did not add the he is the only one who could ever surprise me, but I know I would have a whole instruction about my defences abilities soon enough.

- Yes, you did. Your skin could not reproduce the red of your blood, but you definitely were blushing. In fact, you are doing it again right now...

- Oh, you will regret this, Withlock!

- Oh, came on Swan, I mean in this house there is no privacy. God, two nights ago I thought I could kill Emmet.

- It serves you right. You could block it, you know!

- Oh, I did, but I could not block it for ten hours, for God sake. And then, even so, I'm not deaf. And I can't leave the house every single night!

I smiled at him. Emmet and Rose never took the trouble to smooth their passion for the sake of the others. In this family everybody knew everything about the others.

- You know, Esme and Alice usually read those romance drivels and the books are all over the place. I just didn't realise you had a soft spot for that kind of literature too.

I stared at him. He was serious. He was really asking me that question. I know that he will not be offended if I did not answer.

- It was not that kind of book.

- I never saw you read one of those.

Oh, I was mistaken. He knew it was not that kind of book.

- We better burn these.

He built the fire and for a moment I pictured another type of fire, one more powerful, so powerful that could transform into ashes an immortal being. I shook my head. This is not the time to bring that back. I wondered at Jasper's curiosity. Usually we share our book interests. In our family, except for Carlisle, we were the one to spend most of the time reading. Normally it was he who brought or advised me on new books, even if he did not share my interest, and I took advantage of his almost two centuries' memory and experience and used it like my personal navigation method through the literature. Of course he was curious of my secrecy and the fact that he found me, in my room, a bit aroused ...

I peeked at the books he threw at the fire. The covers were blank, old, there was nothing written on it. I took my package and threw it. The fire destroyed almost instantly the paper and you could perfectly see the symbol on the covers even if you could not read the title. How stupid of me. I could not bring myself to look at him and confirm he saw it. I went to the house and he remained behind to clean the remains of the fire.

I sat on the couch downstairs and turn on the TV. Surely he had been only intrigued by my reading interests and now he knew this too. But I didn't feel exposed like I know I will have been if Edward had been the one to discover me sexually excited. Edward is...a perfect gentleman. And I can't imagine his reaction if he would have seen that symbol on the books. I am uncomfortable that Jasper saw it, but then again, he will never judge me.

Jasper sat at the other corner of the couch and put on a DVD. The human Bella rarely used to watch television, but in my new life, I have found out that it was a perfect excuse if you wanted a moment to yourself. _"You can't change your fate.-Why not?"_ See, that's the reason I was so fascinated for a long time! _"I can't sleep...It's so hot...You are not listening. What is it? Are you sick?...I'm not sick"_ You could do multitask.

I don't need to look at him to know he want to show me that he was ok with what he saw.

"_Love...I am told, heightens our senses, but lowers our perception."_

I don't want to think anymore. "_You are young and impressionable. Anyone, any stranger could have stumbled into your life and aroused your romantic imagination."_ My first sight of Edward and his family. What brought this to my mind? Blurry memories about my time in Forks. I don't want to pursue this! I really need this outing tonight.

We hear the car approaching.

- I'm home, Bella dear! Edward grumpy voice brought me to the reality.

-Here! I respond and in a second I feel his lips on my cheek.

"_..if just once a week i might see you, exchange a word or two, and then think day and night of one thing alone till out next meeting. But you're unsociable, they say. .._

- I missed you, Bella! What are you watching? Ah...

"_...Sometimes I wonder that you ever visited us. Why? I'd never have known you or known this agony and fever. I know that all my life's been leading me to this union with you. I recognized you at first sight and knew with certainty. And said to myself: it's him. He's come."..._

- You cannot be serious! Onegin? The film? I thought you brought this for fun, I can't believe you are seriously watching this. It's sentimental, a sacrilege to the author, a bad movie...

- But Bella cannot resist the wrinkles on Ralph Fiennes fine blue eyes! Added Emmet. And it has a good moral: a wife should remain faithful to her husband, isn't it Rose?

"_Help. Resolve my doubts. Perhaps all this is all nonsense, emptiness, a delusion and quite another fate awaits me..."_

He laughs. Did he really think I care about a movie star? From the corner of my eye I saw Jasper clenching his jaw. Oh, I forgot to let go of my protection. Thankfully, Edward and the others are too excited criticising the movie or telling how the first day of school went to notice. I let it go and I saw the concentration return to his face. Edward explodes:

- Jesus, Bella, why you forced poor Jasper to see this movie?! You know how he prefers the "real" literature. Right now he is listing in his mind all the deficiencies of the film, disgusted by how they violated Pushkin!

"_Day by day to be with you, follow you everywhere, alive to every smile, each movements of your eyes, to dwell upon your soul's perfection, listen to your voice, grow faint with yearning...that is bliss. And I'm cut off from it...every day a desert, unless when I wake up, I know the day will bring a glimpse of you..."_

- Well, Edward...and Emmet, I admit I like the actor and I like the movie. You, of course are free to choose not to.

- You admit you're fascinated by an image?

- Yes, Jasper, I admit his appearance is appealing to me.

I do not understand why he was asking me that, but by now all the eyes are on me.

- Why are you two watching this anyway? You told me this morning you had a list with things to do?

Well I better do this good:

- You see, Edward, we were cleaning Esme's garden when Jasper caught the scent of the delivery boy... ( Well, the new furniture Esme received come in before we actually went into the garden, but I must confess my lying skill has improved in the last years, and the fact that I could not blush and my pulse was nonexistent, helped a lot).

- Oh, Jasper, not again. I did not see anything! Exclaimed Alice.

I feel bad for using that excuse, but we needed a good reason to escape tonight. He continued for me:

- Nothing happened, Alice. It was a sudden impulse and I controlled immediately.

- The worst part is that I felt the same way, so we choose to stay indoors.

- Oh, Bella! Edward hugged me and I saw pity in his eyes. Alice's too. Only Rose and Emmet looks like nothing happened, I even think I saw amusement in their eyes. Those two are smarter then they let it know. The sad part is that I didn't even feel disappointed that my husband and my sister could think of me, of us, like such a weak persons. Well, perhaps we did use this excuse too much. Yes, I guess I was right about the other two, because Rose interrupt the show of concern:

- I guess you two better go to hunt again before tonight.

She is a good liar. Years ago I find out that I didn't know her or her husband. They were the most open, sincere persons I know, and yet, I guess, only the two of them knew the depth of each other. They usually liked the shallow, carefree imagine they gave, I suppose they found it amusing. I know when Rosalie began changing her feelings about me. It was after Edward accused Emmet for my first slip. It was the direct attack at her husband that made her exteriorised her feelings. They left for a time. Emmet, the poor one, blamed himself and even I could not change his guilt. When they come back I felt I could count on her support. We did not spend much time alone, but we were relaxed around each other.

It's strange how little credit Edward and Alice showed toward the other two. Or it was towards the four of us?! They relied so much on their "gifts" that they were blind to the reality in front of them.

- I don't think is necessary, Rose. I mean, it's not like Jasper or I actually act upon it. It was a normal reaction. It took us by surprise. I forgot that the delivery was today.

God, it is impossible for a vampire to forgot, everything stayed imprinted forever in our minds. But then, Edward, in a corner of his mind, still thinks about me like a weak little human, the clumsy, imperfect Bella, the one she always needs protection.

- Jesus, Emmet, Rosalie! You really can't think about anything else? Shout an exasperated Edward, and the two of them runs laughing upstairs. Yes, three seconds and the usual sounds could be heard from above. I can't suppress my laugh. I always thought that theirs was a very efficient privacy tool! They definitely had "gifts"! This way, Edward rarely invaded their minds and Alice avoided seeing their future because of the explicit sex scenes. It serves them well!

- I'm going to my study! A slightly amused Jasper announced. I tried to do the same. There are only four hours till the party and I'm sure Alice will drag me to help the preparations.

- Jasper, I think this is serious. We have to talk about the problems the two of you have.

Edward always applies himself seriously to "help" and "instruct" us! Jasper throws him an ice glare and wordlessly walks to his study. I have no choice but offer my help to Alice. I refuse to acknowledge the laughs coming from upstairs. Yes, they will pay for laughing at my expense.

Four hours and half later I cursed my inability to drink a whisky. Alice in party mood could kill a dead person! At least by conceding to the high heels she imposed on me, I could choose a black dress not too flashy, one that I did not need to change afterwards, even if it was a bit too elegant for my outing. She dresses the whole family. By now I don't mind what she buys, I don't really wear most of it and is not that I particularly care for what I wear anyway, but sincerely I'm grateful I don't have to think on clothes.


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you all for reading. _

The human guests began coming and I saw Carlisle and Esme by the door greeting them. From the corner of my eye I saw Jasper approaching. All dressed in black. It suited him. I felt a hand on my bare back, ah, Edward is here too. I fixed my eye on a man who just stepped in. He smells good enough and I let my control to slip a little. I know my eyes are a dark brown by now. It will do. I bet that if they see me like that, they'll banish us to hunt. Our family number one rule: protect the human!

- Bella! I hear Edward's preoccupied voice. He calls Emmet and Rosalie to stay close to me. Ah, there it goes. He calls Jasper too.

- Bella, you must control yourself! You can do it, dear! Perhaps if you'll go out for a while...what do you say?

The confirmation that I was right about my husband reaction only made me sad. For God sake, he almost killed the entire class when first met me!

- Jasper, I think you should go too! Your thoughts are confused. I will make your excuses to our parents.

I haven't said a word. Emmet and Rosalie faces are blank. Edward put both his hands on my waist and lids me to the front door. When I pass in front of Rose she slips something in my purse. With a kiss on my cheek my husband sees me out.

I let Jasper knows he is free and I direct myself to the first turn on our driveway. My new black BMW stand sufficiently ensconced for an inobservant passerby. Edward does not like me driving all by myself, because he thinks my skills needs practice, but then again he never let me drive fast, even if my human terror of speed it's well behind and I really enjoy the speed now. Rosalie spent same time earlier in the garage and said her car needed some reparation, so I guess she prepared all this, so that Edward did not hear me take the car.

I really like to drive. And I like this car. I like the feel of control and how she responds to me. It gave me an illusion of freedom and I like to feel the air in my hair. I don't need to concentrate like before, but I find out that by focusing my attention on the car and the road my senses usually calmed down. I loved to feel how my car responded to each command all smooth and I felt great seeing that I was dominating this complicated machine. I put some music:

Why don't you try to do without him?  
Why don't you try to live alone?  
Do you really need his hands for your passion?  
Do you really need his heart for your throne?  
Do you need his labour for your baby?  
Do you need his beast for the bone?  
Do you need to hold a leash to be a lady?  
I know you're going to make, make it on your own.

I'd always liked Leonard Cohen and some years ago, Jasper made me a CD.

The club I was heading for was at some 200 km from the house and it took me an hour and a ticket to get there. Rose will have my head for this! It's not the first time, but it still amazes me that the policeman did not realise that I was not the gorgeous blonde from the driver license! He even apologized!

_Baby, I've been waiting,  
I've been waiting night and day.  
I didn't see the time,  
I waited half my life away._

I grab my purse and gave my key to the boy and in my best Rosalie Hale voice and smile I threatened him with what it will happened if my car get a scratch. I really don't care much, but Rose will be most upset about the scratch and after the ticket!

I am surprised that I feel myself a bit excited while showing my card to the man at the entry door. Damn, those vampire charms, he offers to accompany inside. I follow him through the dimly lit passage. We are heading down. It is my first time in a place like this and the webpage only gave concise instructions about how to get here, not the actual activities. I know these places normally changes their location after a few months and when I saw that it was in such an easy distance from me, I decide to finally try it.

The doorman escorts me to the bar. I said I prefer a table, so he directs me to a private corner from where I could easily see most of the room and remain manly concealed. He deserves the hundred bills.

- The door on the right leads to downstairs private rooms. Here is your coaster. All our services are indicated on it. Please ask the waiter to assist you. The other doors on your left offers the same pub services consistent with the symbols you may see reproduced above the doors. We are here. And he indicated me the SSC signs I saw at the door. Reluctantly he leaves and a steward approaches me for my order. All the employees have the triskele symbol sewed to theirs shirt.

I ask for a whisky. I am nervous and I think I will really drink the damn liquid, even if I'll pay for it later. There are televisions on the walls. Most of the tables are occupied. Only a few have a single person. At the bar I saw two men and a woman. Everybody is in black.

I sip at my drink and I really want to feel the burning down on my throat. I concentrate on my feelings and I realise I am anxious for something to happened. I want to be here and I like the place. It has elegancy and it is comfortable. I don't feel exposed. In spite of the numbers of the persons it still feel...private. It must be the light or the music. Curiously is Cohen:

_If you want a lover, _

_I'll do anything you ask me to._

_And if you want another kind of love,_

_I'll wear a mask for you._

_If you want a partner, take my hand._

_Or if you want to strike me_

_down in anger, here I stand,_

_I'm your man._

Perhaps is better I take a turn through all the rooms. I don't remember since I didn't feel such a curiosity.

I feel eyes on my back when I rose to go to the first door to my left. I wonder for a moment why it did not bother me. I smell the scents and I sense blood from the door to my right. That will be my last stop. I like the smell of the place and I decide to use my empathy skills and feel them. Then I smell it. That scent...I only know one person who smelled like the earth after the rain, fresh and clean, and soap.

_Ah, the moon's too bright._

_The chain's too tight._

_The beast won't go to sleep._

_I've running through_

_Theses promises to you_

I only faltered a fraction of a second before walking toward the lone black figure sitting in the obscure corner across of me. The shock and surprise mirrored my own feelings but there is also like an urgent call for me to go. I smiled to myself: he wanted me to approach him. He stood and took a step forward the moment I changed my direction toward him. I deliberately began my perusing from the big black shoes, along the black wrapped long legs, black covered strong chest, I avoided the face and smiled at the usually messed blond hair, surely he just ran to here. Finally I met the well known eyes who matched the colour of the drink in my glass. His look conveyed the sensations I picked up from him: pleasantly surprised and perhaps a little bit of ...excitement. And he was smiling, a carefree crinkled smile that I only saw a couple of times before.

- You got yourself a speed ticket, don't you, Miss?

I don't know what greeting I was expecting but this took me by surprise. And he seemed so amused at my expenses.

- Well, you're wrong, Mister. He seemed surprised for a moment. Actually someone named Rosalie Hale got herself caught by a very polite police officer earlier tonight.

We burst in a load laugh and I felt all my nerves and anxiousness leave my body.

- I can't believe she still let you do that!

-Hey, how do you know about it? Nobody knows!

- Isabella you are reckless driving and you don't have tickets on you name. How difficult it is to imagine that? So...may I have the pleasure of your company tonight, Miss?

- The pleasure is mine, Sir.

I wondered for a moment from where did I get all this self confidence, but why did that matter anymore? It felt good. It was this place and perhaps the alcohol did have an influence on vampire, who knows? I finished my drink and Jasper indicated to the waiter to replace the two empty glasses. It tasted horrible but it smelled good. He drank the same thing. Suddenly I felt bold.

-You may begin by showing me around. I was just on my way to see what is all this. Did you know it before? I was curious if he was going to answer me such a direct question.

- I understand that this place was opened about a month or so and this is my first time. Here. He added as an afterthought. Yours?

- I guess you know my answer.

He paused en took my hand and we walked through the room. I have seen when I came in the door the sign: RACK.

- It is this the room interests you? I asked.

I confess I did not feel particular sure about Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

- No. But the reactions here are stronger and sometimes it helps muffle my own.

Now, this was a statement I was interested in understand. We spend half an hour walking through all the rooms. I knew what all those sign meant, but I did not actually knew the real application of the terms. He explained to me. And I was glad he kept my hand all the time. This was a place where the danger our presence emanate to our natural prey was purposely looked after. And I'd never felt this many men with that that level of attraction for me.

This floor was for meetings only. The music and images projected on the tv screens and on the walls only added to the heavy sexual sensations in the rooms. Every single person in here, included the employees, seamed that it had only one purpose on their minds. This was a place to look for pleasure. All this was about pleasure. Sexual fulfilment. Attraction. Eroticism. Satisfaction. From downstairs came something like pain, but it was not exactly pain, because it was surpassed by pleasure and satisfaction. I liked the feeling I had. I was excited, curious. Jasper seemed lost in the sensation us around and I was a little bit preoccupied. Trepidation. But it felt good. I was content and comfortable. I know he helped me feel at ease. Slowly a strange satisfaction invaded and clouded my mind. He was feeling it too. It was the place that took over our sensations, but it relaxed us. We were swimming through all this, so I felt myself let go. He moved his hand to the lower of my back and stepped closer to me. We walked to the stairs leading to the basement. ..

- This are the private rooms were takes place the...I mean, normally the major part of this sort of meeting points are only for that purpose. A place to meet others who shares your interests. Conversations. This place is different. You may actually realise...act upon your interests.

In this place I barely could hold on my personal emotions. It was overwhelming. I never felt this. I felt myself aroused and I did not do or see anything. It was not me, it was them, but it felt too good to let it go. I tried to concentrate in Jasper. I don't know why I was surprised that he felt even more powerful than me the effect, he was after all the empath. His eyes were dark. I was sure mine were not better either.

- Jasper ...

- Let us see if there is a place where we could sit. Do you want to see?

- I don't know. I never thought about myself like a voyeur.

- Tonight is about experience, Isabella. You want to try?

I wanted to see. I heard and felt everything around. My senses took in our surroundings. I heard the increase in our breath, the nostrils moving accelerated with our respiration. The scents were so much appealing and it was the blood, human blood everywhere. I heard the screams, the moans, the growls, the chains, the leather in the air, whips, metal noises and it was warm, so hot...I felt relief when Jasper arms held me tight in a dark corner of some room. I was so close to lose all control. It was much more than what I felt when I attacked those humans. But it was not the thirst that sang to me. I didn't know what it was and I didn't care what word named my torture. But I did not want it to leave. It was a sweet torture that satisfied some need I never knew I had ensconced in me. I was paralysed in Jasper arms, I could not move, but inside I was trembling and I felt the fever, not the fire took over me. It was close to the burning of my change, but I felt pleasure instead. And pain, but the pain was stimulating.

- Look at me!

I tried to raise my head from his chest. Every movement it was a sweet painful torture; the air came in waves around me bringing new aromas, the sounds fluttered in my ears. I lift my arms and squeezed Jasper so hard that I'm sure I heard something crack. I tried to focus my sight on him, but it was blurry, I'm sure I loosed for a moment my peripheral sight. I found his eyes in all the darkness around and it made me escape a growl. They were so black! I knew he was feeling the same, which he was feeling it with me and I let out a wave of satisfaction. I focused all my sensations on him and I felt his response. We both dropped at the floor, but still maintaining a fierce grip on each other. I felt lust, so much desire and I was burning! I barely could absorb it. I was moaning and purring, he began growling, hissing... It was pure desire, animalistic need. It was like my mind separated from my body and I was soaking myself in the pain, desire, lust, passion, luxury, crave, hunger, need, carnality, love. I felt my release for the first time ever. It was like a powerful discharge of all the tensions, all the nerves in my body and mind, leaving behind a weightless shell of me. I felt like a feather and I was sure I could fly. Relief wash over me and then peacefulness.

I don't know how long we stayed like that crumpled on the ground. I realised I was curled in Jasper's lap, my head on his chest and his hand stroking my back. I did not want to come back from wherever I went. I did not want the reality to engulf me again.

- Shh, sweetheart, shh...

I felt him sending me waves of calm. But I did not move and he continued to whisper in my ear.

- Darlin'...I'm here, I'm here.

- I don't want to go. But voicing my pleading only made the harsh reality burn the ease and suddenly all disappeared. The hole in me, the emptiness regained their place. Jasper released his grip on me only to double over himself in pain, so I block myself out. One miserable it was more than enough. It was my turn to sooth him. When he calmed, we stood. It was late. We spent over two hours in here and we had an hour to get home. Fortunately we could make it before dawn. I realised I needed to go the bathroom to clean myself of the smell. We both smelled.

- I need to go to the bathroom. Come, Isabella.

I tried not to look to his pants, but he saw me and smirked at me. I can't believe he smirked at me! He gave a squeeze to my hand and we went looking for the services.

I was grateful he held my hand because I am sure I could not find my way out of there. But he was no better, I saw him looking uncertainly until we managed to exit and I asked for my car.

- Do you want me to drive? He asked.

No, I preferred to regain some my control, so I wordlessly took my place. I didn't feel like talking, but I had so many questions. And so little time.

- I never...we both say. I looked at him, he was staring at me. His eyes spoke to me of sincerity, of surprise, he was equally baffled by the experience. I was afraid to see there remorse or accusation, but he only was eager to...reassure me.

What happened? What was that? I was asking myself. And I heard him murmur so softly. He said ecstasy. I wondered if that was what I felt. I surely never felt anything like that.

- Like in sensual...ah, sexual...

Here I faltered. I looked at him. He was still looking at me. He was trying to reassure me. Of course, it was sexual, how stupid I could be, I mean we both achieved a sexual release, for God sake, for all the soap on us now, we still smelled like sex.

- We need to shower before we get...

God, Isabella you need answers and so far you only stated the obvious.

- Yes. Perhaps we better stop on our way and hunt. It will help with the scent. Isabella, I...am sorry...

- Are you? I interrupted him.

- What I mean, is that I own you an apologize for using my...

- That was what is was? You influencing my senses, Jasper?

- No. I did not influenced you, but I let you feel all I was feeling. I don't want you to feel...remorse or blame yourself. It's supposed that I had more...experience in that sort of places, but I never felt...I never lost it like that...I don't even know ...it was unique...

-I wanted to feel all those sensations. I let you feel mine and you let me feel yours. It was the place. God, Jasper...do you have an explanation?

- I don't know. We both are empath and in that place all the desire, the sounds, the smells...all was intense. That place was all sex.

-Yes, but...

- Yes?

- The senses, our senses...I mean, I read about this kind of satisfaction...I was curious how could, by suppressing a sense, like the sight, or the touch, the taste...Normally, it is the touch and taste that lead to ...sexual satisfaction. This ...

- Isabella, this is the first time I also...felt. Our mind...and our capacity to convey emotions...

- But surely, you...I mean you have two hundred years ...and you did know these places and had...experiences...

- But nothing like that. And yes, I did go to this kind of places, I told you, I did never have interacted with another person and definitely I never felt a fraction of ...that. Perhaps, you are right, the time back in south, my first hundred years...but it was not about...it was not good. The killings, the persons and the vampire I killed...yes, the battles, the war before all this life...it was some sort of ecstasy. The blood lust, the physical and mental exhaustion, the tension...but not even close to tonight. And of course, not with the same...result.

I asked my father,  
I said, "Father change my name."  
The one I'm using now it's covered up

with fear and filth and cowardice and shame  
He said, "I locked you in this body,  
I meant it as a kind of trial.  
You can use it for a weapon,  
or to make some woman smile."

I turn off the music.

- I always thought a warrior, the emotions of a fighter, I mean I read that even a boxer, their emotions, the thrill before and during the fight or match is closed to the sexual tension. With a different end, of course, but I always wondered...and if you take Emmet, he is a natural exponent of that kind of person. They are looking for the release with sex and fight. So, I thought is the same type of emotion.

I did not added that I often wondered about him. After all, Jasper is the only true fighter I knew. Emmet was like a kid, playing games. Jasper, for me, is the king of the war, tough, raw. His emotions were the most intense I ever felt, but even when I used to feel him before, he always maintained a degree of control, so I wondered what was behind all of that controlled, compact, perfect ...And tonight...was ecstasy, I wonder if we were capable of using all our senses...

- It's a similar emotion. His voice interrupted my thoughts. Till now, the most intense emotions I ever felt were in those times. I am not proud of it. That is the worst part of me. I will never forgive myself that I could not control it.

- But it's you, Jasper. It's part of you. You are now the person I'm proud to call my friend because of your past. You can't live hating a part of you. You must forgive, not forget, but you must let go the past. I admire you. You stood and faced all that came your way, you had lived the worst nightmare possible, I can't imagine what it was, but you changed all that! You fight yourself and win all alone every single part of what you are now and you are the best person I know.

I looked at him. During my training, through the years he told me all his past experiences, all his scars. Some of them with words, some he let me feel it, because he could not put words to his pain. I knew that part of him that no one else knew, not even Edward could peek that from his mind and by sharing it for the first time, it helped him. Speaking of it or letting me experience it made him recognize and began accepting that part of him. I often blamed the Cullen because their unconsciously attitude, their illusion of looking for humanity and soul in our lives, made him hate himself and push that part aside and by doing so he became vulnerable. He needed to accept and understand. And I am glad that I was part of his journey to discover his essence. Of course, during this I discovered myself, so we build a connection that I know tonight only grew stronger. The only thing we never discussed was my relationship with Edward.

I was still staring at him. He exhaled gratitude, understanding and acceptance. It was strange how much he could convey to me, how expressive his all being was, even without me reading his emotions or he using his power to transmit them to me.

I stopped the car and we went into the forest. I hoped that the hunt will cover or diminish his scent on me or the faint smell of my arousal. We separated to avoid more mixed scents and the drive back to the house we let the air do the rest. Driving a convertible was an asset at this point.

We did not discuss the only thing I need to talk about. I know he expected at some point that I bring that up, but I cowered my way out. I was not really preoccupied he will let this slip for our "gifted" family to know, but it seemed a safe topic till approaching the hearing distance from the house. He had always protected the major part of his mind. The horror of his past made him create some sort of drawer in his mind and at first not even he could unclosed it and they never access that. He was capable now to control it at perfection, just like my protection shield.

I left my car and Jasper took it into the garage after I entered the house. Edward will make a scene about it anyway. I had to find a way to shower before he approaches me. Now I had to worry about the diesel oil too. Ah, Rosalie has a plan, I saw it in her eyes. She was standing by the door and practically shield my way to upstairs while Edward only managed to say hello, he was wrestling with Emmet and he was trying to escape his arms to approach me, but Emmet was stronger. In least than a second I was in the shower. It was the most rapid shower in history and even so, by the time I open the door to grab the tower, Edward was there saying how much he missed me and how sorry he was that I had to leave. I know I had to feel guilt, but the only thing I felt was bitterness. I heard Jasper enter the house and heading to his bedroom in the basement.

- I think Jasper took your car tonight. I check out the garage before and it was gone. I am sure that he and Rosalie advised you to buy that car only for their pleasure, knowing you are not much of a driver.

-Now, Edward, you know I like to drive...

- Yes, love, but I remember perfectly the look of concentration in your face while making like driving that old truck of yours. He laughed.

- That was when I was human!

I tried to protest, but like always he seemed to prefer this illusion that I was the same person. Perhaps I should not, but after a decade trying to change his opinion of me or letting him know my real interests, I gave up. Now I don't try anymore and I don't care to correct his assumption. He prefers to live with blinders on his eyes and when they say that the mind of a vampire is set in stone, I'm sure they had him in mind. The only change in his believes through the years was letting himself to be close to one human. But the effort he took at first to know me, and I know now it was impulse it by his inability to read my mind, sat his mind for the rest of our existence. He does not think there is much there to know. He does not like the change. He likes his life in ordered packages. Like his CD's. And after his curiosity of me was satisfied he closed my case and put it on the shelf with the rest of his life. He gave me a place in it and he could not change the order of it. I often wondered what will happen when, no I mean if, I'll force open the case.

But I could never shatter his illusion. His happiness. Even if I'll continue to live through eternity with my emptiness, I can't and I will not change his little happy universe. If I remove myself from it, the whole blind glass construction will fall and I can't do that to him again, when I know that he tried to destroy himself when he thought I was dead. The few times I tried to destroy myself, I realised that I could not support being responsible also for his destruction. I know it's not love what makes me the centre of his universe. He is not in love with me and never was. He loves me like I love him. I never was in love with him either. I think we both felt fascination, only that I overcome it when le left me. But he needs me in his life to be happy. And at a time I thought I needed him in my life to try to be happy too. I was wrong and I knew it before my marriage, before my change, but he is happier than ever, like his family always remind me, and I have to occupy my place so that the things continue in his peaceful, tranquil world.

I don't really know why he feels this way about me and neither he. But he fought his emotions, he fought the change I brought in his life and he left me to reconstruct his world, but he could not. The change had been already sat by the time I cross his path. And his suicidal attempt only made him accept that I was now part of his world. And the only way he could imagine I could join his world was by making an honourable, gentlemanlike proposition for me to be his wife. I don't think he considered for a fraction of a second another alternative, like being only friends. And I had no choice because when my path cross the Cullen's path changed my own destiny and I could not destroy again the family by denying the place he offered me. I had been weak in this decision and I never let myself think of the alternative. This is my existence, maintaining myself "alive" and treating carefully so to not destroy the equilibrium of the Cullen family. I could not let myself thinking that tonight changed something in me, because it didn't. The connection with Jasper was something we both knew from years ago, so things will continue the same way.

I realised that while a part of me was thinking all this, my mouth was doing the its part in the conversation Edward was having with me about all that had passed at the party and how Emmet was worst than ever tonight with his childish behaviour and how he insisted to join him for the whole night and how he could not understand why I indulge him all the time. When he asked me about my night I told him I went to a bar, I had two whiskeys and then I hunted.

- I don't understand why Emmet and you always insist in trying human nourishments! Like I said you always indulge him and you don't have to fuel his behaviour.

By this time I heard Emmet laughing from downstairs. I'm sure he is waiting for me to throw up the drinks for his personal amusement and payback for entertaining Edward tonight.

- Edward, I was at a bar, what was I supposed to do with the drink?

- Anyway, Bella, that is not the point. You acted foolishly by going to a bar. You can't go that close to the humans without someone from the family with you. We never get close to the humans by ourselves. In this family there had been always at least two of us to prevent accident like those you know well.

- Now, Edward, it's not fair for you to bring that...

- Bella, it is fair if it's necessary for you to finally understand the monster we are and the danger we are for the humans...

I did not liked him calling me a monster, but a century of existence could not changed his views.

- Edward, I did well. That was the purpose you had me out of the house, to control myself, isn't it? Well, what better test that this?

He wanted to continue his lecture, but Rose and Emmet called for us to join the rest of the family and Emmet said he will "assist" me, out of brotherly concern, of course, with the elimination of the alcohol. Damn, he was way too pleased with himself!

I thought for a moment to say that Jasper was with me to appease Edward concerns. But Jasper was never much questioned by the family and surely no one will ask him where he went, they were used to his separated way.

From the first time he join them at Alice advise, he always kept his autonomy, he never felt like a true Cullen and I think they never saw him completely like one of them because of the past that they could not share and for his independent attitude that they learn with time to accept. He always had time and space away from them and they conceded it. I sometimes wonder if it was charity they felt, if they saw themselves like his saviours. I know for sure that Edward and in some small part Alice felt this way. Esme and Carlisle opened they arms for him, but there was also something there I could not fully understand. Emmet and Rosalie changed their opinion after I came to the family. They never understood him before or did not want to, they saw him like an outsider, but now they sincerely sympathise with him. I don't know why was the change. It is the same reaction to me and I guess when they opened their mind to me, they include the other member of the family at last. Perhaps it was because all of them thought he was with them because of Alice and when eleven years ago, before I join them, they told the family that from some time they were not a couple, everybody expected he'll leave. But he stayed and I guess that's why Em and Rose finally accepted him. I guess the other still expect for him to leave and they do not fully understand why he stayed, even Esme and Carlisle.

Ah, there he is. He takes his place on the floor near the coach I sit and nobody question or lecture him.

- Ah, my favourite hermit in the whole world, take this and lets show Eddie here how Full Contact it's supposed to be.

The booming voice of Emmet brought me to the reality, I really space out too much, I must control myself. I smell his unique scent mixed with soap. I always liked how soap enhanced his fresh, earthy scent. I did not looked at him but I sensed his smirk. He never let Emmet know how easy it really was for him to win. Emmet was the stronger, physically, in this family. He was Hercules. I asked Jasper how it was that after a hundred years wining over other vampires, newborns and all that and surviving like all those dozens and dozens and dozens of scars proved, he could not win Emmet, who truly was the most tough vampire I know but did not have the strategic mind, intelligence, preparation and experience that he had. He told me that Emmet and the Cullen needed to believe in Em's strength and he could not usurp his place like the guardian of the coven. By wining always, he gained nothing, but Emmet and the Cullen could lose confidence. And so, the majority of time he let Emmet win. But I know that Emmet knows now what truly Jasper is. I saw his depression when he realised for the first time, but he overcame it with Jasper and Rosalie's help. And now he always improves himself by provoking Jasper to real fight, and slowly he regained the confidence in his strength. He is stronger than Jasper, but witnessing Jasper's lessons to me through the years, the strategies he showed to me, because I am definitely not strong and by pure force I could never win, like Emmet does, he asked to join us at first and since then the two of them began training for real too. This made me admire him for wanting to learn and for forgiving Jasper.

He improved a lot. I still don't know if he is equal to Jasper like their score indicate, because I think that only in a real fight we'll know what he truly is, like he showed us ten years ago. But definitely their games are more equilibrated and they truly enjoy themselves.

Esme forced them out and I join her, Carlisle and Rosalie outside to encourage them.

-Ten thousand on Jasper! Shout Rose

- Rosie, love, you can't bet against your own husband. Whinnied Emmet and came to kiss her.

- Kissing me will not make change my mind, Em. Stop that!

He is now on knees in front of her and telling her how much he loves her. They laugh when Carlisle announce his bet on Jasper and Esme on Emmet.

- Thanks, Mom. I knew you loved me, and Emmet kiss her cheek pleased with himself.

- Bella, do you want to join me? There is a Chopin replay night on the TV. Calls Edward. I look inside and I saw Alice at the table in the corner of the room occupied with her usual patterns, she is creating a new line of clothes. Sensing me she met my eyes and I know that look, I can't enter that room and support another fashion design lecture and a piano concert, even if the later is something I usually enjoy.

-No, thanks, Edward. I guess Emmet here needs my support...

- Au, little one, I love you too! And he kisses me soundly on my head and throws me on his back and began running in circles.

- Put me down, Em! Or...I can't keep a straight face and join the general amusement. From the corner of my eye I saw Jasper look at me and smirk. That's a provocation!

- Emmet put me down. Hear me: I don't want to lose this bet and you better win, little brother! I put all fate in you!

Emmet nodded seriously to me and behind him I saw Jasper raise arrogantly an eyebrow at me. I smile innocently and turn to the side with the other.

- Emmet, this is your dream come true so prepare yourself! Jasper threw the challenge.

They began boxing and in a few moments everybody realised that this it will not be a quick game. And I never see either of them so serious. Jasper has no intention to lose. Emmet is calmer than ever and he thinks every move. Each strike is loud and they crash into each other fiercely and it's evident they hurt each other, but with each blow their determination grows even more.

After half an hour I know Jasper will be the winner. And I saw that Emmet knew too. When Alice shouts that in an hour they have to leave for school and all the attention was in her, Jasper winked at me, smug with the result. I stared blankly at him, that was his bad move in this fight, he should have not provoke me.

They repositioned and at the first shift that seemed favourable to Emmet I throw out with all my power a wave of lust and desire. The fraction of time he needed to compose himself was sufficient for Em to send him to the ground win the game.

- I won! Emmet is running like crazy in the garden and I think he is the most surprised of all us at the result. I don't need to feel it, because the disbelief is written all over his face.

I keep my eyes on Em and I guess I had never felt so smug in my life. I know my smile is reaching my ears by now and I feel Jasper's eyes cutting through my skin. I am now on Emmet shoulders dancing his victory.

- Emmet you have to apply yourself more if only to see this smile on Bella! Or the shock on Jasper face. Exclaim Esme.

I can't control my satisfaction at this moment like I want to do and I realised mine and the others reactions brought Edward and Alice outside too. Alice is smiling and Edward is slightly bewildered. He collects me from Em and place me facing him. His hands are on my face:

- Esme is right! Your smile is beautiful.

He kisses me lightly on the cheek, because he does not believe in public display of affection and ruffles my hair. I guess I overreact and I realise now that all of them were surprised by my humour. I scanned quickly through my memories and I can't recall one single moment when I smiled that...happy... in front of them. I stole a glance at Jasper and his shock is slowly replaced by his crinkles smile. He then averts his look and pretends to be upset at Em, who is shouting: I'm the king of the world! with Rosalie in his arms.

I looked at Esme and Carlisle and their contentment and satisfaction while looking at us made me realise that at this precise moment we look like a happy family and that perhaps we are at the closest we could be from that image.


	5. Chapter 5

_I still don't have help with my english, please be patient while reading. If I continue this story, it will be with a beta help, I'll promise. Thank again for reading._

***chapter 5

I kept that image in my head but something was bothering me. I felt guilt and betrayal. I tried to avoid thinking about it till they left for school and Carlisle for the hospital. Esme had the Tuesday free. I spend some time with her in the living room because she did not want me to leave for my room. After some time I gently told her, she could go. She had some on line classes she imparted on architecture and decor for the last year or so. She was quite enthusiastic about the whole idea. She finally managed to use her knowledge and passion and teaching had been a long wish of hers, but she never acted on it, because the vampire needed to stay away from humans and not become much involved with their course. Except for Carlisle. But his close connection with those in Rome, I guess, was enough for the moment to keep them from interfering. Not thinking too much, I suggested the online classes and for my surprise, she adopted the idea. It made me feel so proud and...useful.

I was partially watching the television, some reportage about editorials, authors, the work behind releasing a book into the market, when Jasper joined me on the couch. Now usually he sits on the chair or the floor next to the couch I sit. I think he was looking for some payback for earlier, but I could not bring myself to acknowledge him. I was feeling guilty. I felt like I was betraying my family. I realised that the happy picture was wrong and it was because of me. My laugh and happiness had been because of a private joke between Jasper and I, but they shared the happiness wrongly thinking they knew the cause of the hilarity. And it was bad. It was wrong for me to have secrets from them. I felt like I was slowly awaking from lethargy. A whole decade of spacing out on them, of swallowing my bitterness, revealing in my loneliness. I behaved like the selfish being I ever was. I did not recall all my human emotions and I did not brought with me the poor little human connections I had in my previous life, but I brought with me the selfish working of my mind, my brooding moods, my depression. I did not feel human, I was something else, but I had been acting like always: I brought my loneliness. It's time to wake up and behave better for the place I was given in this family. Their happiness was worth the effort.

I did not spoke, not even look at Jasper the whole time till the others returned. He did not left my side, but neither did he talked. I did felt his eyes on me and I did not need to be an empath to know he had questions.

- Bella! Edward surprised voice interrupted my reverie. I, once again, was surprised by their approach. Good defences vampire skills I had! I really need to apply myself more and stop phasing like that. But I knew it was all Jasper. His presence made me forget about everything.

- Edward. All good?

- Boring, little sis. Come Emmet's response before removing the remote control from my hands and changing the channel.

- Hey, I was watching that!

- Come on, Bella, in one minute you will be buried in a book, that's why we are calling you a bookish worm you know, so let me have my fun. School was so boring! I need to disconnect.

I guess this was the answer I needed to confirm that I decided well.

- Sure, Em, if school will not expand your intellect, watching sports will surely do. Come Rose's prompt reply. Smilingly he caught her and situated her between his legs. She purred in his neck. I guess we have lost them from this moment on.

I felt Edward gaze shift wondering at Jasper. Well, I guess his staying at this hour, in front of the TV, no less, was also a surprise.

- Do you have homework to do? I asked.

- No. Some reading to do, but nothing that can't wait. I was longing for my piano all day long.

-Yes. My head hurts. You want me to know why I never want to hear or go with you to the concerts? Because most of my visions of you involve you playing or you creating music. God, I am so not fond of music. Cried Alice before going upstairs to her room, announcing that she too had some creative ideas during the spots the music stopped playing in her head.

- You want to sit by my side or you want to go to read? You know you are my inspiration and I have something in my mind that your presence may just make it out.

I wanted to go to my books, but I reminded myself of the decision I took, so I accompanied him to the back of the house, where his piano has been banished after the complaints of Alice and Emmet into a sound proof room.

I sat on the floor next to his bench. In the last years his music had occupied most of his time. He played a lot, but more than that he was composing. He said I was his muse. And the rest of the family confirmed he created more in the last years than in his whole life before.

I let the beautiful music wash through me and like always, his playing calmed me a bit. He was the most gifted person I could imagine. He was not a very expressive person and definitely not a passionate one normally. Excepting his music of course, Edward was a very...sedate person. He was a loner before meeting me and this did not changed much afterwards, only that he did dedicate now more time to me. He did not speak much and his reading the others thoughts and seeing first hand Alice visions made most of the conversations one sided. He did not like conflict. He and Carlisle were the intellectuals of the family. He liked living with his family, he needed the reassurance of their presence and this was giving him the peace to express himself through the music. That was his passion and I loved watching him lost in his world. I was fascinated by his transformation. I was not a music oriented person, music did not speak to me and I don't know how his mind produced it. For me it was one of the wonders of the world and he was one of those special being capable to breath music. But that I could not understand it, did not mean I could not enjoy it.

I was glad that he could finally dedicate himself to his passion. I guess in music he found the soul he was searching for even if he did not knew that.

I felt guilty that my presence hindered him in achieving this bliss. The time he spend watching me, worrying about me while human, then the time he stayed away culminating with him almost committing suicide, then my change- he did not even support naming it- my first year like newborn spent mostly in constant guard on me and afterwards. His worry, while had faded with time, had not disappeared and he was preoccupied for the life I lost, for my humanity, for my control and he was still blaming himself for my decision, for my change.

Our intimacy reflected his personality and his worries. I tried to not think on my betrayal. But I wonder if...He did not fall passionately, madly in love with me. Rationally, I guess, I could not fault myself for not feeling that either. We both had been fascinated by the other. For me he was a beautiful angel and a chance to change the course of my existence. My blood first called to him, and then my mind refused to open to him. So he watched me from outside long time before approaching me and afterwards he always kept his distance with me. Before my change we barely touched and a light kiss on my lips was the most of our relationship. We were, we are not a passionate couple, like Rose and Emm or even Esme and Carlisle. He did not feel that way about me and I did not feel that way about him. I guess I loved him more for the fact the he never imposed on me like that, knowing I could not possibly correspond it. We fully kissed after me becoming a vampire when he was sure of my well being. We did not have sex till many, many months after my change, because he wanted things go slowly and I really need that time to accept the idea. Anyway he thought it was more important to concentrate in my problems as a vampire than taking our relation on the next level. We had the eternity, after all. Sex with him was not ...like with the others two couple in the house. He fretted so much that first night about not hurting me, about doing it "right" or proper, that I was anxious to get it over with so that our life may continue.

I never was a romantic one. And I never imagined my life like one of those princesses in the fairytales. I never want a prince charming. Edward transformed my life in that of a princess. A glass made one and living in a castle, far, far away of the "mortals". He was so gentlemanlike. He acted like those men of the past centuries I read about in my books. He was scandalized about the freedom Rose and Em enjoyed in expressing their love life. He was disgusted that they could be intimate at day light and his disapproval extended to Esme and Carlisle too, only that he did not need to express it, because they were more discreet about it and only his gift made him witness to those private moments. He told to me that he preferred the relationship Alice and Jasper had those times back and that he compelled me to take that example.

After Alice "rescued" Jasper they went through a slow path toward friendship. The first decade was dedicated to calm down Jasper instincts for human blood. He barely addressed the others members of the family and even with Alice words were counted. The next years Alice saw a more intimate relationship hinted in her visions, but that did not happened for much longer and when it happened they were discreet and very proper, by Edward's words and he even murmured under his chin that he often wondered that if they could managed to mate only once a month and not tearing the house apart with their noises why the others could not be so considered. Of course, what he did not added was that the monthly occurrence transformed eventually in a less occurrence and definitely ended fifteen years ago, after, perhaps years of silent, unexpressed break off.

I wondered at the time if this it was what he expected from us to become and the positive answer, in fact, only calmed me. I did not feel the need to become intimate with him, but I was curious about the sex. I wanted to experience it myself. I wanted to know orgasm and ecstasy. I am content he did not feel the need for that particular experience so very often and I know, that I, for one, I was content to never initiate the intercourse. That did not mean he treat me badly when it happened, on the contrary, he was attentive, sweet, gentle, everything a mother should want for her daughter husband to be. He was the perfect husband. It took me all this years to finally think of him like my husband. I never wanted to marry, as I saw not the need to put name to a relationship, more so, when we were not even humans. But he liked the idea of a proper wedding and a wife. He said it is like it's supposed to be. Acting like brother and sister at school, did not bother me at all, officially I was Isabella Cullen, another girl adopted by the Cullen's. I did consider for a moment to retain my family name, but, of course it was better this way, to avoid complications. Isabella Swan was dead and that did not bother me either. It was also that human Bella Swan who married and I often wondered why he did not question the fact that if Bella Swan died, paperwork and all that, how could we be considered married now, if my "birth"certificate stated I was Isabella Cullen, Cullen as in the daughter of Carlisle and Esme, not as my husband name?

Well, my curiosity leaded me to the other night experience, but I knew better that follow that thought now of all times.

- Bella, what do you think?

Thankfully, my musings were not so profound and I did pay attention to his music. It was difficult not to with such a wonderful emotions. But I did feel self conscious about expressing my feelings in front a genius like Edward.

- I love it, Edward. I can't express a technical understanding, but it felt wonderful to me.

- Bella, you know how I appreciate your opinion. I think it was good, none the less I need to work on it. And speaking of technique, I offer again to teach you. You have the basics now, it will be a waste not to further on that.

He taught me a little bit, some time ago, but I begged off the classes because I truly was no musician and I preferred to learn how to use my lack of strength in a wrestle with Jasper or simply read than learning to play the piano, but I know he felt hurt by my disinterest. All his siblings avoided him and his music. I guess, I own it to him.

- Actually, Edward, if it is not imposing on your composing time and when you may find a way, I will take you on that offer.

- Bella...he was by my side in a blink and hugged me fiercely. Do you really mean that?

His heartfelt eagerness and childish joy made me feel worse for neglecting him.

- Yes. I want to try, but you should not expect of me much accomplishment...

- Don't worry, love. I'll teach you. You will do great. Come...

- Wait, do you mean we began now?

- Well, what better moment? You don't have second thoughts...

- No, I only...

We spend hours in here and I really need to go to my room and lose myself in a book. I was serious about the lessons, but for now I needed a pause...I felt that I concentrated so much energy this day in not doing what I usually did, but then I decided to stop spacing out from my environment and he was so pleased...

- I guess you had enough of music for today, eh? He was disappointed, but graciously accepting. It's already almost ten and dark outside. Perhaps I too better read the material for the school tomorrow and join Carlisle afterwards in his study. We are in the middle of a most exciting research.

- Oh, I promise to you, tomorrow you will have all my attention. Tell me about this research.

On the way upstairs he explained to me Carlisle's idea of a new chirurgic method. The both of them were the most brilliant minds I know and while is true Jasper and I spend most of our time reading, it was for our personal enjoyment, but they were always studying, improving their knowledge on medicine and science in general, or music in special, in Edward's case.

Once in our rooms, I went to my study. We had most of the second floor to ourselves with Alice occupying the other rooms. Rose and Emmet were on the third and Carlisle and Esme below us, while Jasper was in the basement. We had so much space that I never thought possible in my previous life. It was an old house, reformed by Esme. This floor was once a ballroom, so she separate on the left Alice's lodgings and we had a large, long, high ceiling room divided in two studies separated by a bedroom in the middle and two adjoining bathrooms. Excepting the bathroom and the front door the separations in our apartments did not have doors. I loved it. I did help Esme with the reform and I was proud of the result. We could spend time in here dedicated to our pursuits and still have privacy if needed. Edward confessed he was pleased and bashfully explained he spend a century accustomed to have his space to himself and that did not meant he did not want me near, he liked having me with him, but while he enjoyed the time he spent in the same small room in my human time, he did needed his space. I quickly assured him that I felt the same and the matter was resolved.

The following week passed in this new pattern. I tried to be more open and spend more time with the family and every two days we agreed to dedicate time to my piano lessons. The other thing that I changed was that I did not once go to read in Jasper's library, like I used to. We did not spoke either, but that was not nothing unheard of, seeing that we did interact while in company and our private conversations have been conducted in his study or while he was practicing fighting with me. And I decided to reduce my training at two times a month instead of every four days. He did not question me and his face was expressionless. I loved the exercise, I loved this new part of me, so different from my human time. My new body, my new capabilities made me want to test me physically and the thrill of the wrestling, using my mind to discover the other's moves, to prevent attack or thinking one, all this was exhilarating. And Jasper never once let me win. He was so much tougher with me then Emmet. He never once indulged me and most of the times he truly hurt me and it made me angry and more determined than never. And I loved it. I knew I was far away from master it even a small fraction of Emmet's dexterity or Jasper's strategic mind and it cost me to renounce at one of the few pleasures I had, but I decided to be less selfish and such it was a necessary deprivation. I decided to quit feel sorrow of myself and tried to find satisfaction in the family life I so readily disregarded for all my existence, because I felt like I was in debt with Edward and the rest. It was like waking up.

If sometimes I thought about that singular sexual satisfaction I reached at the BDSM club, the guilt I felt at my betrayal was enough to push that out of my mind.

I watched now how Alice come all hurried from the school and headed for the computer.

- I had some good hints about our stock options and can't wait till Carlisle came home. We could gain a lot if I act with rapidity.

Jasper asked about it and they chattered business terms I knew nothing about, then he went to his rooms, I guess to use the information and Edward joined her at the other computer to make money, I suppose.

This was another thing I have to resolve about myself. I never had financial independence while living with my parents and the same thing now. I don't really need my money, but I realised I prefer to have my own. Jasper does. He, long time ago, funded some historical revues and with time he expanded to an impressive business holding. I had been looking on internet on some activities I could do. Perhaps something that has to do with library, editing...Edward told me a few years back that I need not to work, but now, I am seriously thinking in doing something. I don't want to play student the rest of my existence. And I really would like to travel, to see new places...

After Alice finished her business, Edward asked me if I want to go to hunt with him, seeing that it was night already.

Once I had my full, I joined him. He was so gracious in his movements! I was using the hunt more for practice some of Jasper's instructions and so my hunt was more of a wrestle than the quiet, simply actions Edward preferred.

- Edward, I wanted to talk to you about something I had on my mind for a while now.

He seemed curious and he sat on the grass beside me. I loved the feel of the wet soil under my bare feet and hands. Edward was wearing shoes like always, but I preferred to hunt on bare foot. I smelled the earth, it was raining softly and it was intoxicating.

-What do you say if I, if we took some time free from the family and travel?

- Travel? Bella, we can't do that! Beside my school obligations you know we have limitations. It's difficult enough to find a place where to spend a few years, our travel options are not as handful.

- But I mean I have eternity before me and I would like to see so many things: museums, places...there is so much more into the world. We cannot live around just playing students all the time...

- But we have to; it is how things are, Bella. With our looks and the need of concealment we have not many choices. And besides, I told you to register to the University this year, that's why you are so bored.

- But I feel useless and I don't want to act and play school anymore.

- And travelling it will make you feel useful?

- It will be a useful way of passing my time. Edward you all have your place and I am still looking for mine. You have your music. Alice her fashion creations and the financial aide of the family. Carlisle his medicine. Esme her architecture and decoration. Rose and Em have each other, the cars and sports. Jasper has his military and history interests and business.

- And you have your books.

- But books offers me an entire imaginary world and I would like to see it for real .

- But we have travelled. We have had vacations. We have been to Paris, Milan...

- But I did not see those places. We spend the time in the house or the hotels, or shopping or assisting a few events.

- We can't spend more time with the humans, you well know this, Bella. You are not reasonable. And I don't fully understand you. What do you mean by travelling, then?

- I mean, for example, driving my car from one point of the continent to the other, stopping to see the places, the museums, the theatres, the books fairs, smells...

- Stop, stop...Bella you forget what we are! We can't live like that.

- But you always talk about your humanity...

- That's one thing, more of an ethical search, a meaning for our existence. We mingle more than enough with the society. You know the Vulturi monitories us already, waiting for a minor excuse to accuse us, we are lucky enough that Carlisle influence permit us that much. We can't go through the world, risking everything. You must think first of all on the safety of our family.

I knew that when the question of the safety of our family was aroused I had no possible way to win the argument.

We went back home and since it was time for school, I clenched my jaw and I spend the rest of my time looking with more determination than ever for a job. I could not leave by myself and he did not want to leave, so I guess, work it must be and on this point nobody will change my mind.

Then I remembered something. The week before, the discussion about the Onegin film made me feel something. I went for Carlisle's library and looked for Russian dictionaries. On my way back, Jasper asked me for a moment. We were alone today in the house.

- Isabella, we need to talk.

- All right. About what?

He eyed the books in my hands.

- What are those? For what do you need them?

- I thought about learning Russian. I want to read the classics in original.

-Why? You have already read them. Wait! This is not about what Edward said the last week about the movie, isn't? I can't believe you...You have read Russian literature, even Emmet cut him off and you know he like to pick on him, you can't be seriously considering on your failure...

- It's not that, Jasper. I felt something then. I don't know.

He was looking at me intently now.

- What did that mean? You felt something about...

- I can't explain. It has nothing to do with Edward, I guess. Something just clicked inside of me...

- Clicked?

- Like a light, yeah. You have pestered me all these years about waking up, about reading the signs and began living...And now I felt it, I feel I'm seeing all this things...

He was furious:

- Let me get this straight: the sign that you read the last week told you to learn Russian, Isabella?! That's what are you talking about? It's the most absurd thing I ever heard. God, I swear sometime you are so...

- Jasper, let me finish. Don't simplify. I got these feelings: the movie, the music I heard, the things I did...I need to wake up, I need to change, began my life and be there for my family. I want that happy family image after your game with Emmet, I want to make it happen.

- This is what you understood? Really, Isabella...you drive me nuts! I can't believe you can be so...slow. It's true the smarter the stupider...

- You just called me slow and stupid?

- No, I just used the words slow and stupid! I called you smart too!

- Don't play with me, Whitlock. You just insulted me! You insulted me!

I was shouting by now. I did not care. I could not believe he called me that. I was boiling with rage. Why the both of us lately were so ready to shout at the other?

- You are not slow and stupid, but for a long time now you just act like one! God, you make me want to put you on my knees and spank the hell out of your ass! Waking up, Isabella, is not about taking Russian lessons or piano lessons! Is not about renouncing at yourself!

- You want to beat the hell out of my ass? You just wish you could, granpa!

He was all furry by now, but I could not stop. Something snapped inside of me. I know the rest of the family were outside, I heard the car stop and all of them hurrying inside. I did not care. Emmet was laughing and repeating granpa, but I did not found anything funny about it. I feel their astonishment, we never acted this way in front of them, we are the most silent, almost invisible to our family. When alone, mostly for the last year or so we did ...combusted with facility...

- What is that supposed to mean?

- It means that you are an old, frustrate veteran who hides in his memories and in recreating history. Your time, granpa, has passed. The war is centuries behind and you played your part. You are only a bitter ancient man who take his frustration on me, because I'm younger and all the future's before me...

- Yes, you have a future before your eyes, but you are too blind to see it. You make mistake after mistake...you can't see what is waiting in front of you...

- You want to beat me up then? Come outside.

I know there were some movements to stop us. Edward was saying something at Jasper, but we both asked Emmet to mark a perimeter in the woods and just ignored the others. I was boiling with fever, I felt the venom alive in my veins. It was exhilarating. And it was liberating.

- You better use all your skill, Whitlock!

- Make sure you'll use **all** you capacity, Swan! I'll give you no more than three minutes and you see I am being generous. You'll not even last the half of that time!

I launched at him. And missed it. I heard a whistle behind the tree on my right, but stood still. I smoothly run to my left, just barely avoiding his grip. I was on the top of a tree and jumped from one to another knowing he was behind, I felt his scent all around and I knew he was playing with me. My fury grew and the moment I saw him I attacked him. My blow echoed through the woods, but he did not blink. I retreat immediately with his laugh in my ears. I had not the strength to damage him with my fist, I need to be able to get a grip on one of his limbs and ripe it!

- Two more minutes, Isabella! And remember you said you'll use all of your capacities, darlin'!

He was enjoying himself too much. But I will not back off on a challenge.

I felt the growl escape my throat and the moment I lift my shield my stomach felt the full impact of all the emotions he was throwing at me, but I did not move. And he was smirking, the arrogant bastard! If this is how he wanted to play, I was more than ready. I recollected all the pain, the worst moments on my life, I concentrated and brought up the times I wanted to kill myself, the sickness, the hatred, the guilt and the horror of an eternity of emptiness before me...I felt myself falling on the ground, I gripped the grass, and my hands buried into the soil, but I resisted till he come down too, over me.

- Stop it! Stop it. Now!

His jaw was so clenched that I barely heard the words. His hands were enclosing mine and were deep into the earth. I don't know how much I could do this, but I will not give so easily.

-If you admit...your defeat...

His body was thrusting me into the ground and opening a gap. I heard a crack and I knew he dislocate my arm. My mind, our mind blackened and I barely could form a word. I tried to remember the tricks he taught me. I felt so close to lost it and the screams escaping our mouths surpassed all animal I ever heard. With the last ounce of my rationality I kicked him hard in the hip and I heard a bone split. Then all was black and I regain consciousness to found myself beside Edward who was holding my arm while my body was reconstructing it. He was barking and glaring to my left side so I turned and saw Jasper's worried face while Emmet was fussing about his pelvis. I burst in laughing and all become silent around, excepting for my hilarity.

- Bella! Are you well? Why are you laughing?

I knew I should stop and answer Edward, but I could not. I saw his concern grow, while the others relaxed and Jasper was staring at me with such a repentant face, but I felt...good.

- I'm perfect, Edward. I've never been better in a very long time!

- Nothing more relaxing that a good fight, isn't it little sister? Emmet come to mi side, helped me up and began asking me about how I did it. He was enthusiastic that I fractured Jasper's pelvis and that I resisted that long and that the four of them could barely separate us.

I began answering when Edward furiously interrupted:

- This is no laughing matter, Bella, he hurt you...

- And she hurt him, Edward, don't make a scene. Is not like this is the first time...

- I beg your pardon? What are you talking, Emmet? What did he just say, Hale? Bella? I can't believe you hurt her? What are you thinking?

- Edward, please calm down. It's my fault, you're right. Isabella, I apologize. I did not mean...I don't think that about you, I can't fully explain my stupid reaction or my words. I am sorry.

- Apologize accepted, Jasper. I said some words too...

- Yeah, we all heard it, little sister. I'm amazed, I never knew you had it in you...Emmet interfered again. Now that cleared up, can we talk about the fight? It was awesome!

- Nothing is cleared up here! What was that about? I never heard Bella, and I confess that neither Hale quarrelling before.

- Ah, that, Edward, is because Isabella wants to learn Russian! Come, we better go the house, my hip is well enough..don't look so smug, young lady, it was pure luck. It took you some time to remember what I taught you, you should've been faster in reacting!

- That's all the explanation you are going to gave us? What nonsense is this? Alice how come that you did not see this?

- I don't know, Edward. I did not see any of this it all happened too fast! She said.

- It's unbelievable you all are acting like nothing! I don't want to see my wife quarrelling and I don't want to see my wife fighting again, it's that clear Hale?

Before Jasper could answer, I grabbed Edward's arm:

- Edward, it is not about what you want or not. It's me you are talking about and I'll do as I want. You have no right to talk like that.

I saw the repentance in his face.

- I'm sorry, Bella. I should not have talked like that, but ...

- Thanks, Edward. Then if you agree is my decision, what about we close this subject. Whitlock, I guess I won, isn't it?

- Oh, no. No way. I agree to settled it and consider it a tie. For the moment.

We entered the house. I felt liberated. I still didn't know what brought Jasper's frustration, but mine come from an entire week trying to change my pattern. Edward was still angry and was muttering about talking to Carlisle about Jasper's unacceptable comportment.


	6. Chapter 6

_Here's a new chapter, but, I'm afraid, it's still not properly edited, as I still don't have an English beta. I hope there are still people reading this._

Chapter 6.

Things were definitely on my side that night. The "incident" did not make Alice less ecstatic and she asked us all for a reunion the moment Carlisle and Esme entered the door. She was practically bursting out of her skin. Edward asked for a moment and expressed his concern about the earlier incident, but Carlisle did not involve himself, saying that if the matter was settled between Jasper and I, he can't interfere in our relationship.

Alice immediately began her exposure:

- I had a grand vision today. You all know I spent the last two months working on some new creations. The contacts I had been working with are related to these big fashions labels in New York and are very interested in viewing the patterns and perhaps even buying it. And I saw a whole week just perfect for us all to go there the next month. I assure you it will be a very profitable time and...there is a interesting conference I know Carlisle will want to go and some concerts for you Edward, so please, please...Rosalie, Emmet ...

- That will be perfect, Alice.

That it was me who first accepted and successfully interrupted Alice speech, earned me the shock and full attention of the entire family, Alice included. Well, I guess my "passion" for fashion it was more than known.

- Bella?

- Edward. I think Alice has a good opportunity and after all we can't go against her visions. The moment I finished I was crashed in a hug by the woman in question and my hearing will need some time to heal from hers squeals of happiness.

- This has nothing to do with the last night discussion, isn't it, Bella? You can't possibly use such an excuse for your want to leave...

-Leave, Bella? The hurt in Esme voice made **me** want to beat the hell out of Edward head.

- Just ...Edward! No, Esme we did not talk about anyone leaving. We talked about travel, I wanted to visit some museums and Alice proposal just come at the perfect moment. I did not see the Metropolitan, or the Guggenheim, or the...

- or the Museum of Sex...added Emmet.

- Yes, Em, that and some ten more...and I just saw on line some library's book promotions. There are some in Manhattan and...

- And? Edward said.

- We're in! Rosalie announced. But before anyone could speak, Edward asked for me to continue.

- There is more, isn't it Bella? I think this is the best moment for you to speak your mind, as we are all here. And more so after what just happened. It is all this nonsense about you feeling useless and looking for a job?

- Edward you can't speak to Bella this way. Esme interfered.

- I apologize, Bella. But we had this discussion so many times...I guess it's better for you to explain to all of us and perhaps if I could not change your mind, they'll do it.

- Bella? This time it was Carlisle who addressed me and I felt the pressure of all of them looking at me. I felt the hard look Jasper was giving me and I didn't know why this was bothering me so much.

- I was looking at some ads of libraries and editorials.

- In New York? Edward interrupted again.

- Edward let her speak, please. I could not interpret Carlisle face, but I least I had to try.

- I did not look for an exact location. I was looking more for something I could do that did not require my presence. Like doing corrections or editing. I mean I have a diploma, I like to read and I have the time. I think it will suit me. And I better find something soon for me to do and I definitely refuse to spend the rest of my time playing school.

- Like I already explained, Bella, we are "playing" school, because is what our aspect permits us. I mean look at you: you look like an adolescent, you are eighteen years old and do you think you look old enough for anyone offering you a job in an editorial. What are you looking for it's meant for a person with experience, you look a teen...

- But I'm not a teenager, Edward and I am sure of my capacity to fully accomplish whatever expectations...

- But nobody will offer you a job!

- Bella, don't be mad at me, but I kind of think Edward has a point here- Emmet sheepishly looked at me- I understand you don't want to go to school, we all do, but you are a little tiny thing. You are the smallest of us all, even smaller than Alice, no offence, sister-he said at Alice scoff, I guessed she will support me by the look she threw at me- and you are looking all the nineteen years you have, even lesser, if you ask me. ..

- But Alice could help me with appropriate clothes and make up...

- You can count on me, Bella! -she confirmed to me and I felt the hope rising in me. I knew Rose will support me, but Carlisle and Esme did not spoke yet and Jasper looked too disengaged...and by the look of concentration on Edward face, he was trying hard to read their minds and it did not seem a successful effort.

Surprisingly it was Rosalie who next spoke:

- Bella, this is not about money, isn't it? I mean I know how you ever felt about us spending money on you and I hoped that by now, you had accepted you are family; it really should not preoccupy you...

- No, Rose, it's about me. I want to do it for myself.

- Then you don't have to explain to me, Bella. You have my support. And Emmet's too, isn't it, hon?

- Of course, Bella. I agree with Rosy, it will be fun to prepare all of this...

- Not so rapidly, Emmet. I don't think it's that easy. Even if you could look a little older, Bella, what about the actual interaction with the humans? We are not supposed to do that much that we already are, it's not safe for all of us to push our luck and like I told you, I am not referring only to the one rule Rome imposed on us or their permanent check on us, what about the thirst? You are still new to this, you don't have much control, you need more time...

- Edward. We all interact with humans. What about the hospital? What about the school? And I assure you my control is excellent...

- Your control is excellent because you are never alone! You had...

- Don't bring that now, Edward. That was nine years ago.

- Then look at how much time we all needed to come to fully control ourselves? Look at Jasper...

- That's low and you better not continue with that!

- All right! But you can't do this alone, Bella. Be realistic. None of us act alone with humans.

- You did it with me!

- And how did that went? Eh, Bella? What about you almost lose your life on that many occasions and finally becoming one of us?

-Enough of this! Bella, I, we will support you in this decision, but things are not that simple like you see. It need more discussion and there are details we have to talk about that neither of you has even touched.

- Carlisle, it's not safe...

- Edward, yes, you are right, but Esme and I are working and you all went to school. It could be possible.

- But she needs more time, it's too soon...

- No, I think it's a bit late, actually- I said. If I want to use my literature degree in getting the job, with my aspect and considering I had my diploma four years ago, you see I have not much time to lose. The papers say I entered the college at seventeen and finished at twenty one, that means I must look at least twenty four.

- That could be managed, Bella-assured me Alice; I saw her mind already working and I thanked her whole heartily.

- What you say, Bella, it is not possible.

The neutral tone Jasper used to finally enter the conversations and the meaning of his words disconcerted me. He was the only one whose support I realised I wanted and expected.

- Thanks, Jasper, finally someone who sees the reality- Edward exclaimed. I guess he could not read his mind and his face showed his surprise.

I could not speak, but my look told Jasper about my disappointment.

- You are mistaken, Edward, that's not I meant. He was looking me in the eyes but his face, his tone and his look continued expressionless. He had a plan. Mi sigh almost escape my throat while he continued.

- What I say is that first: she can't use the name Isabella Cullen. You are right, it's too soon, and the possibility is that this career, even if most of the work is managed at distance, will imply her name imprinted in books, magazines. Even if it is a remote possibility, we have to consider it nonetheless. But even like a corrector and not a senior editor, she'll have to sign all sort of contracts: of confidentiality with the society, with the authors, she'll have to continuously meet them and exchange papers work, she can't do this work anonymous. And the name may be recognized in Forks, per example.

- Then this mean, she can't either used her titles, seeing she achieved that like Isabella Cullen -added Carlisle.

- Exactly.

- But then how can I ask for a job without college education?

- That's depends on you. You can try. But anyway, Isabella, even if you could use your diploma and forgetting the name issue, for a moment, things could not work. If with clothes and make up you may look twenty four to support that fact, it will not be realistic. In the next years you will continue to see this people and even if you could manage this on line you will have to meet at least a few times a year, when a new contract will come out or a new author. And there's no makeup or clothes to make you look thirty or forty. And I speak from my experience both with aging my appearance for my business and with knowing a little about this field of work.

Edward was smirking by now, but Esme's look made him abstain from adding his opinion. And Jasper was correct; I knew that, even if I did not like it. But I still did not lose hope, I don't know why I was sure of his support or that he had a plan, but everything in me was telling me to trust him.

- And I think if you want to work in this line, you better use another name, one that did not connect to the Cullen. I began this by my real name, but you can't use yours, for now.

- Bella dear, if you want this kind of job and you need to support your application by a diploma, I think you need to create a new identity: name and title- Esme spoke so kindly to me, wanting to support me at the same time and I was grateful for her tone.

- We can fake her identity- said Emmet- but I don't know about the University title. I mean, they will be checking it out, it's not like a high school graduation, nobody cares about that, it's supposed you had completed your study, but with college, they will want to know the grades, what courses, what teachers she had, they may need references, more so because she look young and does not have experience to support her application. I think you will have to go back to school, little sister.

Emmet was also right. I was content that we no longer discussed me getting a job, but how actually accomplish that, even if things did not look well. I wanted something now and it seemed I had to dedicate other four years to my "education".

- But she can go back to school and apply for a job like assistant at the University revues or the town library or editorials. Nothing big, but that will provide experience for the future.

-You are great Alice!-this time it was me practically struggling her with my hug. So- I resumed- I'll go back to study Philology and I have to change my name.

-But you have to wait for four more years till we finished our present courses, so that you won't be alone- Edward remarked. This was not what I wanted, I was ready to go to school if it meant that I will get what I want, but I will be doing it now and so I made it knew.

- I was thinking on introducing into the world Jasper Withlock Jr., the nephew of the old J. Withlock who will have to die soon, seeing that he is more than sixty years old and living the last few decades retired after the death of his only son. He will have to inherit and if I present myself like a student to my attorneys I could began like a seventeen years old, that we'll give me more than enough time.

I was more than amused by this time. I knew I could count on Jasper; the rest did not need our input, as Emmet eagerness shout happily:

- Hey, Jasper, Bella could go back with you at school and neither of you have to be alone or wait for us. And she could be your little sister. Isabella Withlock. So that solved the name problem too. What do you think?

I swear I saw a glint of amusement in Jasper's eyes at Emmet words. He did orchestrate all this in his own style, not imposing his thoughts and lettings the others to pull the threads.

- There's no way my wife will be a Withlock, this is absurd, Bella does not need to change her name and this whole thing had gone too far...

I saw Jasper continues his expressionless attitude while his eyes did not leave my face, just like he did through all this discussion.

- Edward, I think we solved all your objections. It's decided. Carlisle, Esme?- I asked.

I did not embrace the whole sister thing, but in this discussion it seemed better for Jasper and I not to be the one who will realise that I could not be his sister.

- This may work. With a little "encouragement" you two could register now, even if the semester already began. I agree with the name, but Bella can't be Jasper's sister, first of all because is better if they follow the same classes and there's no way we could make them look like twins- Emmet chuckles interrupted Carlisle- And secondly I don't think it will serve Jasper's plans for his business.

- Why not? If Bella is his sister she too will inherit his granpa huge fortune, imagine, Bella, the money you'll have?

Jasper laughed at Emmet's joke and he agreed to split in half his fortune while all the rest join the laugh, with the exception of Edward.

- Edward, it was a joke!

-it's not funny, Bella! Not at all!

- But how about a cousin? I mean we have a lot of trouble at all this parade by being brothers and sisters, I think a cousin with the same name it will do just perfect!

- That is perfect, Rose! -I almost cried my approval.

Yes, a cousin was just great. And I had no trouble at all accepting my new name. I know I was smiling too much, but I could not restrain myself, just like I could not stop staring at Jasper. He was quietly smiling back. And I was tempted to let him feel my happiness and gratefulness and let him transmit me his feelings. I lift an eyebrow at him and he imperceptibly nodded to me. I let him feel all my joy and instantly I felt his own washing over me. We both shift a little to adjust but did not lose our eye contact, even if rest around us was still talking and specially Edward who was still fighting the decision, even after Carlisle gave us his full support. I was talking to them, but he remained silent on the floor across of me.

I felt like I accomplished something and that I find something it was worth existing for. The self doubts, the usual emptiness, selfish feelings and the guilt, betrayal appeared soon enough to spoil the moment but I decided to ignore them for now and pushed them in the back of my mind. I felt a wave of assurance and support form Jasper. He invaded me with joy and I managed to maintain the happy moment. I was glad he could feel my satisfaction and I concentrate in what he made me feel.

Carlisle was already in his study contacting the people to prepare my new identity and preparing the donations necessary for our tardy enrolment. It was dawn and we all prepared to go to the University, this time Jasper and I accompanied the others.

Only on our way to the campus I realised I was still connected to him. The moment I become aware of it I felt his regret, but I cut it anyway. I was not comfortable enough to let him inside for more time and I needed the security my complete protection gave me.

A week later Jasper and I were assisting our first class. Edward was not completely accepting of the situation, but I think with time he will get over it. My schedule now was readjusted with the new classes and I had already contacted the university review where I'll we be joining three other students and also I managed to found a local small editorial specialised in textbooks for high school who agreed to gave me a month probation.

I was looking for the experience and I did wonder for a moment why I felt this way when just two weeks ago I expressed my disapproval at playing school one more time.

After two weeks I definitely was feeling a fresh, new thrilling emotion: hope.

_Thank you for reading._


End file.
